A loss to remember
It’s 2012 Here it was 4am. I’m up ironically watching a show on Lifetime called “I didn’t know I was pregnant” yelling at the TV because these women are telling their stories. Meanwhile, I was 26 weeks pregnant and having these horrible cramps and sharp pains that kept coming and going. Now and then I’d jump in the shower and let the hot water soothe me. A couple of hours had gone by and after I made my last round of laying down, trying to use the bathroom then jumping in the shower I sat on the edge of the bed, wondering why I was in so much pain. My instincts led my hand between my legs and I immediately jumped and panicked. I felt my baby head coming through!
I had been in labor that whole time! It didn’t help that I had a high tolerance for pain, it literally never occurred to me that this is why my stomach was feeling this way! I managed to get my cell and call my grandma whom I lived with at the time. Now Grandma has a bad knee but I heard her take them steps two at a time to get to me, my bedroom was below hers on the first floor. I rode to the hospital in the ambulance, and I was at the hospital in what seemed like forever. Not the hospital of my choice might I add but when you call the ambulance they take you to the nearest hospital. I arrived still in labor but I couldn’t do this without my mom. I remember asking the nurse if she had made it yet, and she said no, only your grandma. There I was calling out for my mom, panicking because I realized this baby had to come out and honestly I wasn’t sure I could do it. The nurse asked me what my mom name was, I told her, she held my hand and said “I’m stepping in for Brenda and you can do this” I remember pushing 3 rounds and that was it. I did it!
A team quickly came and rushed and worked on the baby for what seemed like 5 min. The baby was in this incubator with a light on but when the team was done, they turned the light off and I knew that meant my baby didn’t make it. The Dr. looked at me and asked me if I wanted to hold or know the sex of my baby. At first, I said no, I was swallowing the fact that my baby did not make it! My body just went through labor, and I was exhausted but my Son did not make it! I just laid there.
My mom finally made it! I saw the excitement in her eyes die when she realized her first grandchild was gone! She was being strong for me but I saw the tears in her eyes. I just smiled and told her it was ok.
We knew this was a possibility. I was diagnosed with PPROM (preterm prelabor rupture of membranes) This is when your waters break before labor at less than 37 weeks.
I remember when they diagnosed me, I had arrived at my appointment to see the gender of my baby. I was super excited. The sonographer couldn’t find the baby and started asking me questions like “are you drinking enough water” I then was sent to a specialist to confirm the worst. I heard those words and ran into the bathroom. I was had an anxiety attack.
I remember even re searching to see if other women experienced this issue, I found a lot of women in chat rooms and blogs pouring their heart out.
I remember finding a team of Dr’s in NY that we’re trying to find ways to get fluid back around the baby.
I know medicine is evolving and I hope one day they can save more babies!
October is pregnancy awareness month and what better time to share my story! A loss is a loss no matter what stage of pregnancy! You #mommed the hell out of that situation and you should be proud! You’re stronger than ever!
Before I left the hospital I had to make arrangements for the baby, I didn’t have much money and ended up having him cremated and I put his ashes in this beautiful Urn.
In 2018, I put his ashes in my mother’s arms in her casket. So that she can have one grandchild in her arms! To date she has four additional grandsons that she never got to meet!